Scripts

These are some scripts used by the Gunfighters and Rendezvous Creek Players. They are fully copyrighted and may only be used by permission and by American West Heritage Center purposes.


The Noodlehead Cowboys In 'The Pesky Racoon'

Characters:

SLICK
OGGLE
JELLYBEAN
CLYDE

Scene:

A frontier town

SLICK
Howdy! We're the Noodlehead Cowboys! Welcome to our show!

CLYDE
I'm Clyde!

OGGLE
I'm Oggle.

JELLYBEAN
My name's Jellybean.

SLICK
And I'm Slick. I hope you enjoy our show. We present to you: "The Pesky Racoon!"

(They set up instantly and freeze for two whole seconds… . Four GUNFIGHTERS come out of a bar; it looks like they’re slightly drunk. JELLYBEAN is counting a wad of money)

SLICK
I tell you, you was cheatin'!

OGGLE
I tell you I wasn't!

SLICK
Was!

OGGLE
Wasn't!

SLICK
Was!

OGGLE
Wasn't!

JELLYBEAN
Now boys, the game’s over, and both of you lost. To me! Just be glad I bought you all drinks!

CLYDE
Amen to that!

SLICK
Yeah, but—Whoa! Wait a sec!

(SLICK draws his gun and brandishes it)

OGGLE
Okay okay! I cheated!

CLYDE
Now hold on there Slick! Let's not constrain ourselves to a propensity of violence!

JELLYBEAN
What?

SLICK
No—lookie there on that barrel!

JELLYBEAN
It's just an old coon, Slick.

SLICK
That ain't ANY old coon, Oggle. That's the coon that keeps gettin' into by shed and eatin' all my lollipops!

OGGLE
You got lollipops in your shed?

SLICK
Well, ' course I do! Don't everybody?

CLYDE
How do you know that's the one, Slick?

SLICK
I can tell by the shady look on his face.

OGGLE
He's got a shady look on his face?

SLICK
I'm gonna kill that coon if it's the last thing I do!

OGGLE
We'll help ya!

CLYDE
Absolutely. Who knows where the devilish fiend might strike next?

JELLYBEAN
Maybe MY shed!

CLYDE
Hey Jellybean, I didn't know you had lollipops in your shed.

JELLYBEAN
I don't, Clyde, but I got a lot of lemon drops in there!

CLYDE
Let's get 'im!

SLICK
Surround him!

(They all surround the racoon, a puppet, that is resting on a barrel)

SLICK
Now if we each get on one side of him, he can't escape.

OGGLE
Take careful aim, boys!

(They all draw their guns and aim at the poor creature; of course, they are also aiming right at each other)

SLICK
Alright you varmint! You done licked your last lollipop! ONE … TWO …

CLYDE
—Wait a minute! Look at us! If we open fire at that creature, the end result will be that we're going to shoot each other, too!

JELLYBEAN
We ain't that dumb!

OGGLE
Well then let's …

SLICK
I got an idea! Let's move two steps to the left. Then we'll each be out of each other's way.

JELLYBEAN
Great idea, Slick!

(They move two steps to the left, but are still pointed at each other)

SLICK
Now. Okay coon! You’ve just jumped your last jingle! ONE … TWO …

CLYDE
—Hold on! We're still pointing our firearms at each other! We'll blow each other's brains all the way back to Texas!

JELLYBEAN
I got it! Let's move three steps to the right!

OGGLE
Good thinkin' Jellybean. That'll do it!

(They do so)

SLICK
Okay coon, you just criped your last candy! ONE … TWO …

CLYDE
Yikes! We're done still aiming at each other!

OGGLE
This is really strange! It's like we're cursed or somethin'!"

JELLYBEAN
Alright alright. Let's think about this. I think I got this figgered out. First, let's take three steps to the left.

(They do so)

CLYDE
Then four steps to the right.

(They do so)

OGGLE
Then one step to the left.

(They do so)

SLICK
Then five whole steps to the right.

(They do so; it is starting to become a dance; the racoon starts dancing on the barrel, too)

CLYDE
Two to the left!

OGGLE
Three to the right!

JELLYBEAN
One to the left!

SLICK
Two to the right!

CLYDE
Two to the left!

OGGLE
Three to the right!

JELLYBEAN
One to the left!

SLICK
Two to the right!

CLYDE
Two to the left!

OGGLE
Three to the right!

JELLYBEAN
One to the left!

SLICK
Two to the right!

CLYDE
Two to the left!

OGGLE
Three to the right!

JELLYBEAN
One to the left!

SLICK
Two to the right! Alright now! That ought to fix the situation!

OGGLE
Aim well, boys! This varmint is a goner!

SLICK
Okay coon, you just danced your last ditty! ONE … TWO …

CLYDE
Wait! Look! We're still aiming right at each other! Oh this is discombobulating!

JELLYBEAN
Well doggone!

OGGLE
I thought we'd have fixed it!

SLICK
I got an idea! Well what if we each take a step backwards?

JELLYBEAN
Good thinkin' Slick. Let's try it!

(They take a step backwards)

SLICK
Okay coon, you done ran your last race! ONE … TWO …

CLYDE
Whoa! We're still going blow ourselves to kingdom come! Except for Oggle here. He's too far away now to hit anything.

OGGLE
Hey! Was that an insult?

CLYDE
Nope. It's just the plain truth.

OGGLE
Oh… Hey, was that an insult, too?

SLICK
Well we just have to think of something else, won't we.

JELLYBEAN
Let's take three steps forward! That ought to do it!

CLYDE
Genius!

OGGLE
Good thinkin' Clyde!

(They take three steps forward)

SLICK
Okay coon, ou just fought your last fight! ONE … TWO …

CLYDE
Whoa! Wait just a moment! I now have a gun barrel pointed right at my left nostril!

JELLYBEAN
So what? You never needed that one, anyway.

CLYDE
Of course I need my left nostril. Do you think I'm stupid?

JELLYBEAN
Yeah!

CLYDE
Why you … !

OGGLE
Now hold on, boys! Quarreling ain't gonna help!

CLYDE
I’m beginning to doubt that!

OGGLE
No, no, no. Clyde, Jellybean, let's focus on the matter at hand.

SLICK
I got an idea!

OGGLE
Oh great, another idea …

SLICK
This time it's gonna work, I tell ya!

JELLYBEAN
Okay, what is it?

SLICK
Right now, we'd all aimed at each other. So let's take our guns and aim them somewhere else!

JELLYBEAN
Right! You're a genius, Slick!

SLICK
Of course I am.

OGGLE
Let's all aim to the right!

(They do so, but now are aimed at the gunfighter on their right)

SLICK
Okay coon, you just flipped your last flapjack! ONE … TWO …

CLYDE
Whoa! Hold on! He's going to shoot me in the back!

OGGLE
And HE’s gonna shoot ME in the back!

JELLYBEAN
This ain't workin'!

OGGLE
I got an idea!

CLYDE
What is it THIS time!

OGGLE
Let's aim up at the sky! Then we won't be aiming at each other!

JELLYBEAN
Great idea Oggle!

(They aim at the sky)

SLICK
Alright coon—FINALLY!—you done seen your last sunset! ONE … TWO … THREE!

(They fire)

SLICK
Ha! Take that you darn coon!

OGGLE
It's still alive!

JELLYBEAN
How can that be? Are we all such bad shots?

CLYDE
Not with four of us shootin' at the same time. There's no way we coulda missed!

OGGLE
You think it could be charmed?

JELLYBEAN
Magic?

OGGLE
That's right, Jellybean. It's a magic coon!

CLYDE
I've heard about such things. In the far off land of Burma, they work spells that make animals impervious to human weaponry!

OGGLE
Really? (pause) What does "impervious" mean?

CLYDE
It means we can't hurt it. No way. No how.

SLICK
There goes my lollipops!

JELLYBEAN
That's alright, Slick. You just keep losin' to me in poker, and I'll keep buyin' you lollipops.

SLICK
Gee thanks, Jellybean. You're a real pal.

JELLYBEAN
Hey, what are friends for?

(They all leave, arm in arm)

The End

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